Done Waiting
by The Muse of Apollo
Summary: Set after 47 Seconds (4x19). Castle is done waiting for Beckett, and wants more from her. But is she ready? What happens if she's not? Angst warning. Rated T for language and eventual violence. Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1

AN – So this is another post 47 seconds, set about a week after Castle hears Beckett's confession. In this AU, Castle's lie does not exist, he told Kate about Mr. Smith when he called during Rise. If you're not a fan of angst, you should probably turn back now, as there will be a bunch of it in this story. But you all know that I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, it could be only 2 or it could be more, I'm not sure.

Disclaimer: I nor any member of my family own Castle.

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Done Waiting

Kate Beckett was surprised to see Castle after the way things had been going the last few days. After the bombing case, Castle had distanced himself, and had only come to the precinct a couple of times. When he had been there he hadn't been himself. He had been cold and distant mostly towards her. So when he knocked on her door after nearly a week of giving her the cold shoulder, she couldn't help but be surprised.

"Castle," she said in greeting, failing to suppress the giddiness of seeing her partner at her door.

"Hey, Beckett. Can I come in? I need to talk to you." God how she wished he had called her Kate.

"Sure," she said, stepping aside and closing the door after him. "Can I get you something to drink?" she asked, walking into the living room.

"No, thanks," he replied, sitting down on one side of the couch. She sat down on the other side, curled her legs underneath her and turned so she was facing him.

"So, are you finally going to tell me what has been bugging you this last week?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm done waiting," he said, looking over at her, his eyes still distant and his face lacking the usual happiness she had come accustomed to seeing.

_Oh, no._ "What do you mean?"

"I know you lied, Kate, about that day in the cemetery."

"Castle, I–" she started to say.

"No, Kate, it's okay. I understand why you did it, you weren't ready, and you couldn't deal with it right then. You told me on the swings, and I understood. I told you I would wait. But I can't do it anymore. I…" he trailed off, looking down at his hands, "I need to start living for me again. So I need to ask you a question. Are you ready?"

He couldn't be doing this now, not when she was so close to being ready, so close to being ready to dive into it with him. She was so close. But she wasn't there yet, she couldn't give him what he wanted, not yet.

"No, not yet," she replied softly, looking away from him.

He sighed and looked towards the door, but not before she could notice the tears in his eyes. "Okay. That's okay. But, Kate, I can't wait any longer…"

She cut him off, anger flaring inside her, "So what, if I don't strip down and fuck you now, you're just going to walk away, is that it?"

The look he gave her when those words came out of her mouth was one that she would remember for the rest of her life. Never before had she ever been frightened by Castle, but the look of cold, pure disgust that radiated from him when she said those words made her literally move back from him.

"I cannot believe, that after four years you still think that all I want from you is sex," he said coldly. "In reality that you still think that makes this goodbye so much easier. I don't think that you will ever be ready for what being with me means. I know what I wanted for us, Kate. Forever. Always. But if you still think all I'm after is a romp in the sack, you don't understand what this is. I love you. So much that it hurts. And I think deep down, you might even love me. But it isn't enough to overcome the doubts you have about me or those you have about yourself, and I don't think that it ever will be," he stood up and put his jacket back on. "I promised you that I would always be there for you, and I keep my promises. Do you still want me as your partner?"

How could she have done this to him? She had made him wait for four years. Now he was walking away from any possibility that they could have a future. And it was all her fault. But she didn't know how to fix it. She wasn't ready yet, she was still broken, still dealing with her demons, and she couldn't open herself up for him until she was whole again. So she did the only thing that she could think of, she answer his question, "No."

That wasn't what she meant to say. She had meant to say yes, in hopes that she could keep him close enough so that when she was ready, she could try to convince him to be with her. But she had said no. Where had that even come from? She needed him by her side. She didn't even know if she could do her job without him anymore, and she didn't want to find out. But he was leaving. He had already walked towards the door, and like the coward she was, she couldn't bring herself to follow after him and beg him to stay, to wait just a little while longer.

Before he closed the door after himself, he turned towards her and said, "Goodbye, Kate. I will always love you. Please find happiness someday." And he was gone, leaving her alone with nothing but despair for company.

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AN2 – Thoughts? Comments? Reviews?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N – Wow. The response to this story has completely blown me away. Thank you so much for the review and follows.

Here's the next chapter. Again, if you don't like angst, you should turn back now, and just for those of you who are hoping that the angst is over soon, I'm sorry, but it's going to get worse. :0

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Done Waiting Chapter 2

She was miserable. As she walked into the precinct the next day, she knew that she had made a horrible mistake. She shouldn't have pushed him away, she should have told him that she loved him too and that she was ready. Of course she wasn't ready, but she could have faked it for a while as long as they took it slow. Of course hindsight is 20/20.

She greeted the boys with a halfhearted wave and took her seat at her desk. They hadn't had a body drop since the bomb case. Gates had started to assign the cases that had come in to other teams to give Beckett's team a chance to recuperate after the stress of the bomb case. Beckett hated the down time, and today was only going to be worse. Paperwork meant a lot of time to dwell on how in the last 24 hours she had completely ruined her life.

She was brought out of her thoughts by Esposito and Ryan approaching her desk.

"Hey, Beckett," Ryan said in greeting. "Where's Castle? Have you heard from him?"

"Yeah, where's writer boy been? Something's up these last few days."

She might as well tell them, at least a part of it. "He won't be shadowing me any longer, guys. We terminated our partnership last night."

"What did he do?" Espo said gruffly, like he was preparing to go kick Castle's ass.

"Nothing, Javi, nothing. I don't really want to talk about it, okay? It's tough enough for me as it is."

"Kate? You know you can tell us anything, right?" Kevin told her.

"I know. Listen, let's see if we can't wrap this paperwork up today and get out of here early. I could use a few hours off."

"Sounds good," Javi said as he pulled Ryan back towards their desk, recognizing that Beckett was asking for some space.

For the next four hours, Kate tried to do her paperwork, but the words were blurring together and all she could do is look at his chair. She sighed, got up and walked towards the elevator. She really needed to talk to Lanie.

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Lanie looked up when Kate entered the morgue. "Hey, Lanes. Do you have a few minutes?"

"Sure, honey. Javi called and told me that something was up with you and Castle. What happened?"

"It's a long story. I guess it starts with my shooting. He told me he loved me that day."

"What? You said you didn't remember your shooting, why did you lie?"

"I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't just tell Castle that I remembered his proclamation of love, I had other things to deal with. I wasn't ready for more. And after lying to him, I couldn't very well tell the truth to anyone else. I'm sorry for lying."

"It doesn't sound like it's me that needs the apology. Is that why Castle left?"

She sat down in the chair next to Lanie's desk, and drew her hand through her hair. "No, not really. It was the catalyst, I guess. He heard me tell a suspect that I remembered, which is why he's been so distant. I told him when I came back that I'd like him to wait for me to be ready for a relationship. I really want to try with him, you know, but I needed to be whole first.

Anyways, he found out, and that's why he has been acting different these last few days. Last night he came over and we talked, and I royally fucked it all up."

"What did you do?"

"He told me he was done waiting for me, and when I said I still wasn't ready to have a relationship with him, he said he had to move on."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I told you he wouldn't wait forever."

"I know. I know," she sobbed. "He'd probably still be here, but I said something horrible that made it sound like all he wanted from me was sex. He was so angry with me then. Frankly, I'm angry with myself. I should have never said that. Then he asked if I still wanted him to be my partner."

"And you said yes, of course, right?"

"No. I said no."

"What!? You don't want him around anymore?"

"I do. I don't know why I said no. It isn't what I meant to say," Kate said, standing up and starting to pace back and forth in front of Lanie's desk, still crying. "And I didn't go after him. He said goodbye and left. I don't know what I'm going to do, Lanes. In the last 24 hours, I hurt the one person in this world who could love me for me, and pushed him away forever. There's no coming back from this."

"Kate, I don't really know what to tell you. It sounds as if Castle may be gone forever."

"I can't lose him, Lanie. I can't live without him. What the hell was I thinking? I should have never made him wait. I knew he loved me two years ago. We should have gotten together then. I'm such an idiot."

Lanie got up and pulled her friend into a hug, "I'm sorry, girl, for what it's worth. I'm so sorry. Maybe you should try to talk to him. I wouldn't wait too long, the more distance from this there is, the harder it will be to make amends."

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Later that night, Beckett decided that she had had enough. She called him. He didn't answer. She called Alexis. She didn't answer. She called Martha. And she didn't answer. _Great, the whole Castle clan is pissed at me,_ she thought.

She decided that she couldn't wait, so she grabbed her keys and her bag and decided to catch a cab over to his loft. Once the cab pulled outside of his building, she paid and got out, long legs making strides towards the front door.

With what she was here to do, she was oddly calm. She was beyond the point of pride, and all she felt was fear. Fear that she couldn't fix them. Fear that she had finally pushed him away one too many times and that he wouldn't ever come back to her. That fear made what she had to do much easier. She was going to beg.

On the elevator ride up to the fifth floor, she composed her opening salvo. She needed to be brave this time, and fight for the thing she wants above all else. As she walked towards his door she immediately noticed something was amiss. The door was open, with light shining out into the hallway. She walked up to it and pushed it gently open. "Castle?" she called out.

No answer. What the hell was going on?

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a/n - Don't hate me for the cliff hanger. Next chapter soon. Reviews would make me love you forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n – Thank you so much for the reviews, follows, and favs! This chapter continues our angst-athon. Yes the angst will continue, but I am still committed to a happy ending. Happy Castle Monday!**

**Disclaimer: Nathan Fillion will be on The Big Bang Theory later this season. I'm happy. But I still don't own Castle. **

Done Waiting Chapter Three

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_Previously…_

_On the elevator ride up to the fifth floor, she composed her opening salvo. She needed to be brave this time, and fight for the thing she wants above all else. As she walked towards his door she immediately noticed something was amiss. The door was open, with light shining out into the hallway. She walked up to it and pushed it gently open. "Castle?" she called out._

_No answer. What the hell was going on?_

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When she walked into the loft, she knew immediately that something was wrong. The place was trashed, furniture was ripped apart, books were all over the place; but there was no sign of Castle. She drew her gun out of her purse, sat the bag aside and continued towards Castle's study.

Opening the door, she saw his laptop on the desk, still giving off a soft glow in the dark room. She knew that Castle always shut the machine down after he was done with it, so something had stopped him from doing so this time. She looked around and saw the same evidence of a brutal search, but there was more here. It looked like there had been a struggle. The desk lamp was broken as if it had been used to bash in a skull. She looked at the floor for the first time and froze. In front of the couch she noticed a large puddle of dark liquid. She knew instantly that it was blood. _No!_ she screamed in her mind. She made no noise, but started to shake with fear.

Something had happened here, and it wasn't good. Where the hell was Castle? Whose blood is that? _Is he alive? _Her head spun with all the unanswered questions as she cleared the rest of the loft. She found no one, but found that the rest of the loft had been searched as well. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Esposito's number.

"Hey Beckett, we got a drop?"

"No, but Espo, something has happened to Castle. His loft is trashed, there is a lot of blood here and he is nowhere to be found. Grab Ryan and call in CSU. Someone was looking for something, and they either grabbed or… or they killed Castle in the process." Her voice was shaky, but she gave out the facts as well as she could, knowing that she needed to be strong to get her partner back. _Ex-partner_ a voice in her head mocked.

"We're on our way, be there in 20," he said, hanging up. She thanked the stars above for her team and their ability to move at a moment's notice.

She walked back into the living room and looked around. She considered the scene before her and started to ask more questions. She had tried to call Martha and Alexis before she had decided to come over, and she had assumed that they were ignoring her calls. Now she considered the fact that they might be victims of whatever had happened here as well.

She pulled out her phone again and dialed Martha's number again. It rang three times before she someone picked up. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Katherine?"

"Martha! Where are you? Are you okay?" She rushed the words out, shaking with adrenaline.

"Of course I'm okay. Alexis and I are on our way back from a spa weekend. She wanted to be rested up before her graduation. What's wrong?"

"The loft has been trashed, and Castle is missing. When was the last time you heard from him?"

"Friday after the two of you wrapped up the bombing case. He was down and said he was going to write for a while. He said goodbye before Alexis and I left. Why do you think he's missing? Could it have been just robbery and he's out doing something?"

"There's blood, Martha. Something happened."

"We're on our way back. We'll be there in a couple hours."

"Don't come right here. Come to the precinct. I don't know if it will be safe for you to be here. I don't know what they were looking for or what has happened, but I know Rick would want you to be safe."

"Okay, darling. Why were you there tonight, if you don't mind me asking?"

She took a deep breath and said, "We had a fight, and I came to make it right. I noticed the door was opened and I knew right away that something was wrong. You didn't answer my call earlier so I thought that something might have happened to you too."

"We're both fine. We'll see you at the precinct in a couple hours. Please find my son, detective. Please."

"I won't stop until I do," she promised then ended the call.

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Kate stood in the loft as the CSU team did their job. She didn't know what was going on. How could this happen now? Nothing was making any sense, and she could feel herself spiraling down into a panic attack. She tried to take in deep breaths, but it wasn't working. She loved him. He might be dead. Those two sentences kept going through her mind over and over again, and she couldn't stop the tears from running down her cheeks.

She couldn't break down here, so she rushed out of the apartment and collapsed against the wall of the hallway, sliding down the wall and grabbing her knees protectively. Esposito saw her rush from the room and followed, knowing that his partner wouldn't be handling this well. When he found her out in the hallway, he sat down next to her.

"Breathe, Kate. Breathe for me. In for three out for three, can you do that?"

She made no notice that she had heard him, so he moved to kneel before her and said, "He's going to be okay, Beckett. We'll find him. Now you need to breathe. Just follow after me okay?"

He knelt there for several minutes as she finally started to follow his breathing. She calmed and wiped at her tears.

"What if it's my fault, Espo? I pushed him away. What if he dies? The last memory we'll have of each other will be of a fight. How could I let that happen?" she sobbed.

"It's not your fault. We'll get him back, and you can fix it. Nothing is ever beyond repairing, and Castle has forgiven you many times in the past. He will take you back this time too. I know you love him, Kate. You have to be strong for him right now."

She nodded and stood, sliding back against the wall to keep from swaying on her feet. "What do we know so far?" she asked, her voice still shaking.

He shook his head and said, "Not much. They've collected a sample of the blood and are going to rush tests on it, but we haven't found much else. Whoever did this disabled Castle, then trashed his loft. They were looking for something."

"But what? He has a safe in the bedroom closet, was it opened?"

"I don't know, but we'll look." She simply nodded and headed back into the loft. She had to hold it together. She had to find him, even if it was the last thing she ever did. She couldn't lose him. Not like this. She had to have a chance to fix them. So she took in a deep breath and started to look for clues. It was the only thing she could do.

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Two hours later at the precinct, she talked to Martha and Alexis. They hadn't seen nor spoken to Castle since Friday night, so there was no new information.

"I'm going to arrange for you two to go into one of our safe houses with a couple of uniforms guarding you. I don't know what is going on yet, but I know that if I didn't keep you two safe, Castle would hate me forever," Kate said to Martha after asking her questions. "So sit tight and a couple officers will come get you, okay?"

"Okay. Katherine, what do you think happened?" Martha asked. She had been stoic through the whole ordeal so far, but Kate knew that she was only holding it together for her granddaughter.

"I don't know. But I will find him. I won't rest until I do. I promise. And I will keep you updated as much as I can, okay?" She had to believe that she would find him. If she lost hope she would break.

"I know you will, dear. We believe in you."

Kate got up, hugged them both and went back to her desk. Espo and Ryan had put together the murder board, even though they didn't know if a murder had occurred. She looked up and saw his picture and nearly sobbed at the sight of seeing his face. She collapsed into her chair and wiped away the tears, which had been an almost constant companion over the last few hours.

"Beckett," Espo said, rushing up to her desk.

She looked up and saw the worried look on his face. She knew instantly that something else had happened. "What happened?" she asked, sitting upright.

"We just got a call. There was a break in at your apartment. One of your neighbors spotted a man dragging a large bag into your apartment about an hour ago. She heard noises like someone was trashing the place and called the cops. They just arrived on scene. They found…"

"Espo, what did they find? Come on, tell me." The look on his face was one she had never seen before. It looked like anguish.

"They found Castle…"

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**a/n 2 – No! What happened to Castle? You'll just have to wait until next time to find out… Mwah Ha Ha HA!**

**Review if you like it or if you think you know what happened to Castle. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – Thanks so much for the kind reviews and favs. I have a lot of reviews to respond to personally, I'll get to it as I can. Until then, thanks to you all.**

**This chapter is…well just read it. I'm not sure what I think about it. I read the Castle story **_**Dead to the World,**_** and found that if I want to keep my title as self-proclaimed King of Angst, I have to up my game. This was the result.**

**Disclaimer: In a land of make believe, I own Castle. Not in this world. **

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**Done Waiting Chapter Four**

_Previously…_

_She looked up and saw the worried look on his face. She knew instantly that something else had happened. "What happened?" she asked, sitting upright._

"_We just got a call. There was a break in at your apartment. One of your neighbors spotted a man dragging a large bag into your apartment about an hour ago. She heard noises like someone was trashing the place and called the cops. They just arrived on scene. They found…"_

"_Espo, what did they find? Come on, tell me." The look on his face was one she had never seen before. It looked like anguish._

"_They found Castle…"_

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When Kate Beckett walked into Mount Saini Hospital, she felt cold. It was as if her entire soul had been left behind, and she was just an empty pod drifting through the corridors of one of New York's biggest hospitals. The news Esposito had given her just thirty minutes before had been both good and bad. Castle was alive. That was the good news.

The bad news was that he wasn't in good shape. She didn't know the extent of the damage, other than he had been tortured and then stabbed.

When the officers had found him, after receiving the call about the break in at Beckett's apartment, they had immediately called for EMTs. Beckett, upon receiving the news, had called Martha and Alexis. That had been one of the most painful phone calls she had ever made.

Now she was at the hospital. She hadn't went to the crime scene. She hadn't been briefed on what else had been found at the scene. She just needed to be here.

Walking into the ER waiting room, she spotted the two red heads huddled off in a corner. "Any news?" she asked, approaching them.

Martha looked up and said, "He's in surgery. He lost a lot of blood and had severe internal bleeding. The doctor who spoke to us said the prognosis wasn't… well let's just say he was very blunt." The woman had tears running down her face, and it was clear that she was having a hard time holding it together. Alexis looked worse, and hadn't even met the detective's eyes.

Kate took a seat on the other side of Alexis and digested the news. "Did they say how long before we know?"

"Many hours is what he said," Martha said softly. "What's going on, Katherine? Who did this to him?"

"I don't know. Ryan and Esposito are at the scene now. They'll come here when or if they have any answers. But it obviously has something to do with me, since that is where they dropped his… where they left him. Maybe it has something to do with one of our past cases, or it could be a deranged fan. At this point, I just don't know. I just need him to be alright," she said, tears flooding down her cheeks.

"We all do, darling, we all do."

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Three hours after she had arrived at the hospital, Ryan and Esposito came rushing into the waiting room. Beckett and Castle's two redheads didn't even notice them at first, as they continued to gaze towards the doors where the doctor would eventually come give them the news on Castle's fate. They kept expecting a doctor to come out soon, but every time one did make an appearance, it was always for someone else. The waiting was getting to Beckett. She needed answers but more importantly she needed to know that Castle was alright.

Finally noticing the boys, she stood up and walked towards them before they could reach the corner that she, Alexis and Martha had taken up residence in for the last three hours. "Do you have news?" Ryan asked, once she was near enough to them.

"No. He's still in surgery," she replied dejectedly. "We haven't had an update since I got here. What about you, what did you find?"

"You're not going to like it, Beckett," Esposito said. "First off, your apartment is trashed, just like Castle's loft was. They were definitely looking for something, or at least wanted us to think that they were looking for something. The only thing we found was a note." He pulled an evidence bag out of his pocket and handed it to her.

With shaking hands she looked down at the handwritten note and read,

"_It would have been easier, Detective, if you had just died last year. Now we have to do this the hard way."_

"Son of a… It's the sniper isn't it?" Kate asked, looking up at her two partners.

"That's our guess too, but other than what the note implies, we've got nothing. We don't know what he's looking for, and we don't know why he didn't just come after you instead of going after Castle."

"Guys, Castle has been in contact with a man named Mr. Smith who received some sort of file that contained information on the man behind my mom's murder. He used that file to keep me safe over the last year, but I had to stay away from the case," Kate revealed.

"Wait, how do you know this?" Ryan asked.

"Castle told me when the first call came in, and has told me about every call since. What if whatever this guy is looking for has something to do with this Mr. Smith character and the information he has?"

"How do we get in contact with this Mr. Smith?" Espo asked, taking notes.

"I don't know. The last time he called was several months ago when we suspected that the mayor had a hand in a murder. We can check Castle's phone records from then and see what we can find. Other than that all we know is that he was a friend of some sort of Montgomery's."

"Family of Richard Castle," a voice said from behind Kate. She spun around, to see a doctor in green scrubs standing there. Martha and Alexis strode hurriedly to stand in front of the doctor. Ryan, Esposito and Kate filed in behind them.

"Mr. Castle made it through surgery. As you know, he was stabbed three times in the chest, which were our biggest concerns. He lost a lot of blood before he was brought in, and just making it to the hospital alive was a miracle. We were able to repair the damage, and stop the internal bleeding. We then set his ribs, both of his legs, and his right arm, and bandaged his head. We also set all of his fingers. Needless to say, he isn't out of the woods yet," the doctor said grimly.

"Will he be okay?" Alexis sobbed.

"I'm sorry, I just don't know. The fact that he's made it this far tells me he's strong, but at this point…at this point it could go either way, I'm sorry. There are two real risks right now. First, he went without oxygen for some time during the surgery before we could resuscitate him. Along with an extreme concussion, his brain underwent major trauma due to that lack of air. We won't know until or if he wakes up how bad it was. It could be nothing or there could brain damage. That's our first concern. The second is clotting. With the amount of blood loss and the corresponding amount of blood we had to put back in him, he's much more likely to develop a blood clot, which could lead to any number of issues. We have to keep him in the ICU until we're more confident of his stability."

Kate stood there stunned. It sounded so bad. So bad. _Brain damage?_ What would happen to him then? What if he never woke up? What if he never came back to her? Tears were flowing down her cheeks, and it took all of her will power to stifle the sobs that were threatening to spill out of her.

"When can we see him?" Martha asked, her voice shaking.

"In a couple hours. We're going to limit it to one person at a time, so decide amongst yourself who goes first and so on. I'll have a nurse come get you when he can have visitors." He gave them all a grim smile and walked back through the double doors.

Kate sunk down in the nearest chair and curled her knees to her chest, the sobs finally breaking through. He was going to die, she just knew it. And the last memory he would have of her was of her pushing him away. This was all her fault.

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**a/n 2 – Just to say, I have no medical knowledge whatsoever, so everything is probably wrong.**

**Review if you like it!**


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n – Thanks to everyone for the reviews and favorites, they mean so much to me. **

**That episode last night made me want to write some drama, and this is where that led. Not sure how I feel about it. **

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

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**Chapter Five**

He was so still. She knew this man. He was never still. It almost seemed like he wasn't there at all. Sitting there at the side of his hospital bed, her only reassurance that he was indeed alive was the slow and steady rise and fall of his chest.

She had been sitting there for about 20 minutes. The doctors had placed him in a medically induced coma in order to prevent further damage, so she talked to him. She could do nothing else.

"I'm so sorry, Castle. This is all my fault. You have to get better, please, Rick, I need you. I should have never pushed you away. I…I love you, please, please wake up so I can tell you the truth." Tears continue to flow down her cheeks as she stifles a sob. "Please," she whispers, "please."

She leans forward and lays her forehead on his arm and lets the grief of what has happened wash over her. She is so engrossed in her feelings, in her grief for the man she loves, she doesn't hear the man who enters the room, she doesn't hear when he closes and locks the door. It isn't until he's standing next to her that she finally realizes that she's no longer alone with Castle.

She looked up finally and expected to see a nurse or a doctor. Instead she came face to face with the muzzle of a silenced pistol. "Hello, Detective." The man stands about six feet, and is slightly taller than she would be standing up with her heels on.

"Who the hell are you?" she asks, keeping her voice steady.

"Oh, my name isn't important, Detective. We won't know each other long enough for it to matter all that much," he said with a smirk.

"You're here to kill me," she said flatly. Inside she was panicking, but her face showed nothing. Her thoughts raced as she tried to figure out a way both she and Castle could survive.

"Yes. And him of course, though he should have already been dead with what I put him through. He's a strong bastard, I'll give him that."

"Leave him alone. You're here for me, just get it over with and leave him be. This isn't his fight."

"I can't do that, Detective. If he lives he'll keep searching for who killed you. He loves you, you know. I may be cold, but even I can see it. Why can't you?" he asks, thoughtfully. "I guess it doesn't matter now though," he continued. "Now, before we conclude our business, I need to know where the file is."

"What file?" she asked. _What the hell is he talking about?_

"The file, Detective. Don't play dumb. I don't have all day here." _Yeah, I know,_ Beckett thought. She needed to keep him talking in hopes that someone would notice what was going on.

"Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about," she said truthfully.

He rolled his eyes, and pulled out another gun from his waistband. He pointed it towards Castle's head. "Now, Detective, or you'll get the privilege of watching him die."

Not taking her eyes off of the gun he had just drawn she said, "What file? Seriously, I can't tell you where it is if I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Mr. Smith gave you a file, Detective. I know he did. He said he gave you and Mr. Castle copies of the file he was using to blackmail my boss. So, I'll ask one more time. Where is the file?"

"I hate to say this, but Mr. Smith lied to you. He had the only copy of that file. Do your really think that I would have sat on that information if I had had it all this time? Your boss isn't that stupid," she said.

"Mr. Smith was pretty convincing. At least until the moment I put a bullet in his skull. Then he was just dead." He fired a shot from the second gun.

"No!" Becket shouted, looking at the bed, expecting to see the worst. Instead she saw a bullet hole in the pillow beside Castle's head.

"The next one goes in, Detective, now where the hell is the file?"

"I don't have it, asshole, I'm telling the truth."

He shook his head and aimed the gun back at Castle's head. "I'm sorry, Detective, but I just…don't believe you. I guess I'll just have to prove-"

At that moment, the door busted in and Ryan and Esposito came in, guns drawn. "Put the guns down! NYPD!"

The man, who had turned towards the commotion when the door busted open, immediately complied with their orders. Kate stood up and kicked his guns away so that he couldn't reach them. She then collapsed back in the chair, breathing hard. The panic that she had done so well containing during the standoff suddenly came on full force, causing her breathing to come in short breaths and her vision to narrow.

Ryan, after clamping the handcuffs on the gunman, knelt beside her and said, "Breathe, Kate. It's okay. It's over now. Breathe." After a few minutes, in which Esposito called in uniforms to take the prisoner, she was able to get her breathing under control.

"It was so close," she whispered to no one in particular. She looked up at Ryan and asked, "How did you know?"

"Nurse came by and saw the door was locked and saw the guns through the window. She came out to call the police just as we came into the waiting room," he answered.

"Thank you," she said. She looked back over at Castle and said, "We need to put a guard on this room. It seems that he is in as much danger as I am. Did you guys find anything about that Mr. Smith? This seems like it has to do with him and my mother's case."

"He's dead. His name is Michael Smith, and his body was found in an alleyway off Lex two days ago."

Two uniforms entered at that moment and after a word with Esposito, took the gunman out of the room. Esposito came and stood next to Ryan and said, "Uniforms swept Smith's apartment and didn't find anything unusual."

"According to the guy that was just in here, Smith told him that he sent copies of the file he had to both Castle and me. That's what this guy was searching for, and why he came here today. I don't get it, guys. It's so obvious that we didn't have access to that information. Everyone knows how I get with this case. No way would anyone believe that I would just sit on that information if I had it."

"So you think he was looking for something else?" Ryan asked.

"Or," Kate said, "something else is going on. We need to find out who that guy is and get him in the box. Maybe he can help us get to whoever is behind this."

"Okay. Are you coming back to the precinct with us?" Ryan asked.

"No. Gates called me earlier and said she doesn't want me on this case at all."

Esposito looked at her with an odd expression on his face and said, "And you're going to listen to her?"

"This time, yes. I'll help if I can, but I need to be here."

The boys nodded and then said their goodbyes, promising to call the moment they had anything concrete. Kate looked back at Castle and took his hand in hers. The truth was she really wanted to work this case. Her instincts were to be in the box getting the gunman to break.

But her heart was calling the shots. _I have to fix this. And I can't do that at the precinct._ For the first time since her mother was killed, she had found something that was more important. _Someone_ more important. If only she hadn't screwed it up and pushed him away.

She decided then and there that when Castle wakes up, she'll tell him the truth. She'll tell him how much he means to her. She'll tell him she's ready to dive into it together because she's sick of waiting. She's ready.

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**a/n2 – First off, I'm sure hospital doors don't have locks, but I used a little license there. Live with it or don't.**

**Next, I'd love you forever if you would leave a review. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – So this happened. Lots of angst ahead, folks, so strap in. **

**Thanks for the reviews and follows, you guys are the greatest ever. I am constantly amazed by the Castle fandom. While it isn't the most watched show ever, the fandom beats out all others.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. If I did, it would already be renewed for Season 8.**

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Chapter Six

The case was closed. The gunman had turned on the Senator, but that hadn't been enough to get a conviction. The smoking gun had come when a package had arrived at Kate Beckett's desk. It contained a file, sent by the deceased Michael Smith, which had implicated Senator William Bracken in dozens of felonies and hundreds of misdemeanors. The file in question was the same file that the gunman had tortured Richard Castle to find. In the end, with the arrest of William Bracken and dozens of his minions, Kate Beckett had to admit that none of it was worth it.

Over the four weeks since the gunman had made his appearance in Richard Castle's hospital room, she hadn't left his side. The doctors were less and less confident that he would ever wake up. Those four weeks were some of the worst weeks of Kate Beckett's life. She thought with the arrest of the man who had ordered the murder of her mom and her captain, as well as her own shooting, that she would find some sort of peace. But it had come at too high a price. She knew that now. There was nothing in the world that would make _his_ sacrifice worth it.

As she sat there that Friday evening holding his hand, she studied his face. She knew that if he didn't wake up, she would never be the same. She would never again be happy, and would live the rest of her days knowing that it was her fault that the love of her life had lost his life because of her obsession with her mom's case. The tears falling down her face had been a constant companion over these last four weeks.

Not knowing what else to do, she had taken to talking to him during the evenings after Alexis and Martha had left for the day. She told him stories about her childhood. She expressed her wishes for the future. But more than anything she begged him to wake up and to be okay.

"Please Rick," she started, "please be okay. Wake up, babe. I need you to wake up." She bent her head and rested it on their intertwined hands and let out a small sob, wanting nothing more than to curl up with him in her arms and never let go.

"Did you just call me babe, Beckett?" a soft voice asked. Her head shot up, looking to where his head laid on a stack of pillows. His eyes were open, though they were clouded with pain and confusion.

"Castle! You're awake! Thank God!" She stood so she could get closer to him. "Thank God," she sobbed, tears flowing down her cheeks. For the first time in weeks, they were tears of joy. "You scared the crap out of me."

Grimacing, he said in a whisper, "What happened?"

She sighed, not sure how much to tell him at the moment. Then remembering that it was a secret that drove them apart, she decided on the truth. "The sniper who shot me captured you, Castle. He…he tortured you, and then left you for dead in my apartment. We thought you wouldn't make it."

"Did you catch him?"

"Not then. He showed up here while you were in the coma and tried to get me to tell him where a file was, but I didn't know what he was talking about. Luckily the boys came in and arrested him then. Castle, the boys and the FBI solved my mom's case. It's over."

He gave her a small smile, "That's great, Beckett. Can I ask why you're here?"

"What do you mean?" she asked in confusion.

"The…the last time we saw each other you pushed me away. Again. So why are you here?"

She sighed and took his hand. "I made a mistake, Castle. I was so stupid. I lied to you a year ago, and then I made it worse by not telling you the truth when you came to my apartment that night. I'm so sorry. I should have never pushed you away. I should have never said those things to you. The truth is…the truth is I'm in love with you, Richard Castle, and it scares the crap out of me."

"It's okay, Beckett, I understand. Where are my mother and Alexis? How long was I out?"

Confused at the change of topic, expecting something in response of her declaration of love, she answered his question, "four weeks. I'll call them and tell them you're awake. But didn't you hear me? I love you, Rick."

"I heard you, Beckett, but I don't _believe_ you. How could I? You've spent the last year lying to me, and then when I asked how you felt about me, if you were ready to start something with me, you accused me of trying to get in your pants, of using you as a conquest. I can't just forgive you, Beckett. I want to, but I can't. Not this time."

Crying harder now, she began to realize that she might have finally pushed him away for good. Through sobs she said, "I thought you loved me? I'm telling the truth, I love you. How can I prove it?"

He sighed, and removed his hand from hers. "You can't. Now please, can you just go? I…I'll call you, okay? I just…I just need some space to think."

Sobbing harder, she nodded, not knowing what else to do, she walked out of his hospital room, not knowing if she would ever see him again.

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**a/n – This was never meant to be a case fic, so I'm sorry if her mom's case felt rushed. It didn't matter that much for the story, so I just wrapped it up in the background. I know this chapter is extremely short, but I think that this is a good place to end it. For those asking, I still promise a happy ending, but Beckett has some work to do ahead of her. Next chapter up sometime next week. Leave a review if you still like where this story is headed.**


	7. Chapter 7

**a.n. Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews on the last chapter. I really appreciate it. I'm terrible at responding to them personally, so just know that I read every one, and that I love you for taking the time to leave your words (even you anonymous guest reviewers).**

**Here's the next installment. Let me know what you think.**

**Standard Disclaimers apply.**

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Chapter Seven

Kate Beckett stormed into her apartment, slammed the door behind her, threw her empty holster on the kitchen counter, and flopped down on the living room couch. She had never been so angry in her entire life. She couldn't believe after all this time, all the effort she had put into becoming the best cop she could be that she could be so…so _stupid._ The captain had rightly suspended her, pending a formal investigation, and Beckett knew that she'd be extremely lucky if she weren't fired after that investigation was completed.

It had been three months since Castle had kicked her out of his life. They had been a miserable three months that had culminated in her almost getting herself, Ryan and Esposito killed because she could no longer focus. It made her so mad that Castle still had all this power over her. It made her mad at herself for ruining the one thing in the world that was guaranteed to work if only she gave it a chance. She sat there on the couch for a long while trying to calm her nerves, wondering what else in her life could go wrong.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a loud knock at her door. Kate groaned and forced herself to get up. The last thing she needed was to see someone right now. She just wanted to be alone to think, to try to understand what she could do to fix the clusterfuck that had become her life. Throwing the door open without seeing who was on the other side, she came face to face with Lanie Parish, who had a look of absolute fury on her face.

"How dare you!" Lanie shouted, pushing past her friend, throwing her purse off to the side. She spun on her heels and faced the detective who just stood there in shock. "How dare you put them in _danger_ because you can't get your head out of your ass? How could you be so selfish? How? Explain it to me, Kate. How could you let this happen?"

Kate walked back to the couch, her head hanging, her dark curls framing her face. Sitting down, she put her head in her hands and said, "I don't know, Lanie. I'm so fucked up."

Lanie took a deep breath and sat down next to her friend. She was mad. "You are, Kate. And you have to get it figured out. Either go tell that man that you need him, and that you'll do anything you can to prove it, or get over him. Those are your options. You've let this _mistake_ of yours affect you for the last three months. You've pushed us all away, and your inability to see that you're having problems put your partners at risk. Don't you get that?"

"Goddammit, Lanie, don't you think I know that? Do you think I did it on purpose," Kate shouted, her emotions getting the better of her. "I've ruined my whole life in the matter of three months. I pushed the man I love away, and made him believe I don't love him. I put the men who've had my back for more than a decade in harm's way because I couldn't focus on my job. And because of that, I've probably lost my job forever. That job has defined me for so long that I don't know what I'll be without it. So don't you dare tell me that I don't get it!"

Taking a breath, Kate looked up and in a softer voice said, "I don't know what to do, Lanie."

Lanie sighed, letting go of some of her anger after seeing the look of desolation on her friend's face. "Oh, sweetie, I don't know either, but you have to fix it somehow. Right now you're torturing yourself because of the mistake you made, and the rest of us are paying for it right alongside you. One of the things I know is that Richard Castle loves you. He has been fighting for you for almost five years, and the only reason he stopped is because you lied and pushed him away. Another thing I know is that he is one of the most forgiving men I have ever met. Look at how many times he has forgiven you in the past. I don't think that the situation you're in is unfixable, but I also think that you are going to have to be the one that fixes it. He's done with you, so you're going to have to fight for what you want. You have to make him listen to you."

"How Lanie? He won't accept my phone calls or texts. How do I make him listen if he won't even talk to me?"

"You are a detective of the highest order, one of the best this city has ever produced. You are also one of the smartest people I have ever known. You'll figure something out."

Kate shook her head disbelievingly, not knowing what to do, but she said nothing, hoping that her friend was right.

"Now, what are you going to do about your job?" Lanie asked hesitantly.

"There is nothing I can do now. They'll investigate the incident, and then let me know. There are several things they can do, really. They can suspend me and require me to go through some extra training, they can do that and bump me down a grade or two, or they can fire me. I led those boys into a trap, and refused to wait for backup. It's my fault, and I'll just have to suffer through the consequences. I have to apologize to them, no matter what. I can't believe I did that. If one of them had been hurt or killed I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Well at least you know you did wrong," Lanie said, standing up. "What do you think the NYPD will do?"

Kate shook her head, "I don't know. If it were me? I'd fire my ass. It's what I deserve. But in reality I just don't know. I'm suspended until they decide, and then I'll figure it all out."

Lanie nodded. "Well I've got to get back to work."

Kate stood and walked her to the door. "Thanks Lanie."

"Sometimes girl, you just need to be hit upside the head and kicked in the ass. I'm your best friend, that's what I'm here for," Lanie said with a smirk. "I'll call you in a few days. If you make progress with your writer, call me and let me know all the juicy details."

Kate smiled, waved and shut the door behind her friend. She made her way back to the couch and flopped down, thinking about what she could do to solve her problems. Since Castle had sent her away she hadn't been herself. She hadn't been able to focus on her work, and this afternoon's colossal fuckup wasn't the first mistake she had made these last three months. She knew that her breakup with Castle was behind her inability to focus and do her job, but despite months of waiting and thinking, she still had no clue what to do to get him back.

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She woke the next morning with a stiff neck after falling asleep on her couch. She pressed her eyes shut, trying to shut out the painful sunlight which streamed through the windows of her apartment. _I need coffee, _she thought as she stood up, stretching her stiff muscles.

As she made her brew, she thought back to her fight/conversation with Lanie the day before. Her friend was right about everything, yet Kate still had no idea what to do about it. Figuring she would take it a step at a time, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Ryan.

"Ryan," he said.

"Hey, Kevin, it's me. Is Espo right there with you?" She assumed as it was still early in the morning that they would be at the precinct.

"Yeah."

"Can you put me on speaker?"

"Sure," he said cautiously. "Done. What's going on Beckett?"

"I needed to apologize to you guys. I totally messed up that whole situation and I put you guys in unnecessary danger. I'm so sorry. I don't…I don't know if we will ever work together again, but if we do, I'll never let it happen again."

"You're forgiven, Beckett," Esposito said. "While you should have listened to my boy here, nothing actually happened, so we're all good."

"Yeah, we're fine. We both have appointments for an interview with IA this afternoon. We'll put in a good word for you Kate," Ryan said.

"Tell the truth guys, don't risk getting in trouble just to cover for me. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it."

She talked with the boys for a few more minutes, and after apologizing again, she said her goodbyes. With that done, she felt a little better. She had messed up, and now that she knew that her boys didn't hate her, she could focus on her bigger problem: _Castle._ Looking back down at her phone, she pulled up her contacts and tapped his number. She waited while it rang, hoping that this time he would answer. It rang four times before it went to voicemail. _Dammit, Castle,_ she thought, frustrated by his silence.

She pressed the end call button without leaving a message, and put her phone down on the kitchen counter. She took a sip of her coffee and tried to think about what she could do to make him listen. Thinking about it for a while, she picked up her phone again and dialed Martha's number, not expecting her to answer either.

"Katherine, darling, what a wonderful surprise," Martha said when she picked up. Kate was almost too shocked to answer.

"Martha, thank you for answering. Your son is ignoring me and I really need to talk to him. Do you know where he's at?"

"Of course, dear. That boy is about as stubborn as you are I'm afraid. But he's been miserable these last three months, what between pushing you away and healing after his _ordeal_. I think it's time for you two to put this thing to rest, don't you?"

"I do. But I can't if he won't talk to me."

"Come on over. He's here hiding in his office, pretending to write. I'll let you in, and then you can talk."

"Thank you Martha, I'm on my way." Kate ended the call and went up to her bathroom. There she showered, reapplied her makeup, and changed into new clothes. Feeling more like herself, and more confident, she made her way to her car, trying to steel herself for the fight that was sure to come.

_Don't give up on me yet, Castle. I'm not done fighting for you…_

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**a.n. So know that this chapter is a little low on action and drama, but I think that Kate would need a kick in the ass in order to actually deal with this problem after Castle kicked her to the curb. She's the type that would hide from the problem, let it fester, and then only deal with it once she had to if at all. So this kick in the arse was delivered by Lanie.**

**Leave a review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**a.n. Two chapters in two days. Normally I don't do this, but this one just kinda wrote itself. Hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You guys are all awesome.**

**Disclaimer: In some other alternate universe, I own Castle, and I have renewed it for eternity. In this universe I don't own Castle and I worry that we won't get a season 8. Please ABC and AWM prove me wrong.**

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Chapter Eight

It took Kate 10 minutes before she could gather up enough courage to knock on the loft door. On her ride over, she thought frantically about what she could say. She knew that she would have two hurdles she would have to get over before they could move forward together. First she would need to make him listen to her, and then she would need to have him believe her. She had no delusions about the difficulty of what she was about to do. She knew it would be hard. _It might be impossible, _her traitorous mind offered.

Finally she knocks, hoping to see Martha's friendly face on the other side of the door. When the door opens, it isn't Martha on the other side.

"Alexis, I-" she starts, confused as to how to handle the situation she's in. She knew that Martha would be glad to see her, but she's not sure how Alexis will react. They haven't exactly been close since Kate had come back from her summer away.

"Detective Beckett!" Alexis says with a smile, leaning in to give Kate a hug. It takes a moment for Kate to respond, so sure was she that the teenager would hate her after the way the detective had treated her father. "I'm so glad you're here. You have to talk to him. It's been terrible these last few months, and I think you may be the only one who can fix him."

"That's why I'm here. I'm going to try," Kate said, pulling back and looking the younger woman in the eyes. "Can I ask, though, why don't you hate me? I thought for sure you'd hate the idea of me being anywhere near your father."

Alexis sighed, stepping aside so that Kate could enter the apartment. "I don't hate you. I'm not happy that you've hurt him so bad, but I don't think that you meant to, and if you're really going to try to fix your mistakes, then I'm willing to keep an open mind. I just don't want him to be hurt again. He doesn't deserve it."

"I know," Kate said, giving the girl's elbow a squeeze. "And I promise that I won't hurt him again, and that I'll do everything in my power to fix this. Now where is he?"

"In his office. He doesn't come out of there that often anymore. Only a couple times a day, and one of those times is for his physical therapy."

"How's that going? I should have been here to help him. I should have fought when he sent me away."

"You should have, but you're here now. He's doing better physically, but he still doesn't have a full range of motion, and his leg is still in a boot. Doctor says it'll be at least a year before he's back at full strength."

Kate nodded, and then made her way to the office door, leaving the teenager behind. She had to do this before she lost her nerve. She had to do this for him. For them.

Knocking on the door, she held her breath, knowing that he was on the other side. "Come in, Alexis," came a muffled voice. She quietly opened the door and stepped inside, shutting it behind her.

"It's not Alexis," she said, her voice steady. He looked awful. It was clear that he hadn't shaved in a few days, his hair was helter-skelter, and he had large circles under his eyes that told her he hadn't been sleeping.

He looked up from his laptop and said, "Beckett, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I want to talk, we need to talk, and you're avoiding me. That ends now."

"Oh yeah? What if I don't want to talk?" he said, getting angrier.

"Right now, it doesn't matter to me what you want. You're going to sit there and listen to me, or I'm going to send you back to the hospital. Understand?" she asked. Not waiting for him to answer, she continued, "Rick you and I have existed for the last few years on subtext and innuendo. It was fun, it was our thing, but it doesn't work. All it leads to is hurt and confusion, and it's time we put it to rest.

"You waited until the worst possible time to tell me how you feel. When you said those words, I was dying. I was in so much pain, and all I could think about right then was that I didn't want to die. I had so much left to do. It may not seem like it to you, but I want to live, Castle. I do. I know I put up a good front, but I have dreams and wishes for the future. And on that day, in that moment, I thought all of those dreams were never going to come true." She could see him sitting there listening. She knew she had his attention, at last, so she kept on being honest, "Then you said those words. If I'm honest I knew how you felt. I'm pretty sure you were in love with me for at least a year before that day, if not longer. And I knew about it. I knew how you felt, but I hid from it because I was scared.

"When I was lying there and you had said those words, I was so mad at you. So mad that you waited until I was about to die to finally tell me the truth. If I had had the strength I would have punched you in the face I was so mad. Then everything went black." She took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions under control, and the tears at bay. "When I woke up in the hospital I couldn't remember anything after the bullet hit me. It wasn't until you walked into my room that it all came back to me. At that point I had begun to realize that I wasn't ever going to be able to be what you needed until I was better. I needed to be better, Castle, not just physically, but emotionally. If I had admitted to you then that I heard you and that I felt the same, we would have jumped into it and I would have ruined it. I know I would have, because I would have eventually pushed you away, or lied about something else. So I lied, and I ran. I'm not proud of it. It was the coward's way out, and I like to think that I am not a coward. But I am. When it comes to my feelings for you, I am a coward."

"Kate-" he tried to interrupt.

"No, Rick, let me finish. You can yell and scream at me, and ask me to leave when I'm done, but right now you need to hear these things." She took a breath and thought about where she should go next. "I've been working hard in therapy to get to where I need to be in order to be with you. Or at least I was until I pushed you away four months ago. When I came back after my summer recuperating, I lied to you again. I told you that it was my mom's case that would prevent me from being in a serious relationship. It wasn't even that. All that was about was my fear of being with you and ruining what we already had. You're my best friend, Castle, and you have been for years now. I knew that if we were to be more that I'd ruin it and then I'd lose you forever.

"But I wanted more, so I worked for it. When you came to me before your stabbing and asked me if I was ready, I lied to you again. I told you that I wasn't ready, and then I said the worst thing I've ever said to another human being. I still can't believe those words came out of my mouth. I'm ashamed that they did. I'm so sorry that I said that, Rick. So damn sorry. And then you asked me if I wanted you to continue on being my partner, and I said no. I didn't mean it. I was scared. But this time I was scared of something new. I was scared that I had just ruined any chance we had of ever being more, of ever having a future. So I did what I always do, I pushed you away and buried myself in my work for the next few days. Then I came here and found that you were missing.

"I had never been so worried in my whole life. I knew then that I was ready, and that I should never have pushed you away. I vowed to find you, and tell you the truth. And I did. I was telling you the truth in the hospital that day three months ago, Rick. I love you. I love you more with every breath I take, and it has hurt so much that you don't believe me. I know it's all my fault. I know that, but God, Castle, I wanted to puke when you sent me away. I didn't have the strength then to fight you, to make you listen. I was shocked, and I knew that I deserved your hatred not your love. So I shrank away. I ran. Again. But I was wrong to do so. You've been fighting for us for the last four years, it's my turn. That's why I've been trying to call you. I wanted to give you your space, like you gave me last summer, but I also needed you to know that I'm not giving up on you. Not ever. I love you, Richard Castle. I love you," she said forcefully, willing him to believe her. The tears she had been trying to hold back were now freely rolling down her cheeks, and she was fighting to keep the sobs from overtaking her ability to talk.

His eyes were also wet, and she wondered what was going through his mind. She wanted to know if what she had said, what she had confessed, had been enough to get him to give her another chance. That's all she would need would be one more chance to prove to him that she was ready, that she was all in and that all she wanted was him. He was silent for a long time before he started to speak.

"Kate, I don't know what you want me to say. I really don't," he said, quietly.

"I want you to say you forgive me and that you'll give me another chance. I want you to tell me you still love me."

"I-" he started, then shook his head and went silent again.

"Look, Rick. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore and that you never want to see me again, then I'll leave you in peace."

She holds her breath when he finally meets her eyes. He sighs and says, "I don't want to love you anymore, Kate. I just don't want to."

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**a.n. This was getting out of hand, and that felt like a good place to split up this conversation. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**a.n. Three chapters in two days, you guys are going to get spoiled. For some reason my fingers won't stop writing this story. Thanks everyone for the reviews, you are all awesome, no matter what that other person says about you. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, for obvious reasons.**

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Chapter Nine

_Previously…_

"_Kate, I don't know what you want me to say. I really don't," he said, quietly._

"_I want you to say you forgive me and that you'll give me another chance. I want you to tell me you still love me."_

"_I-" he started, then shook his head and went silent again._

"_Look, Rick. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore and that you never want to see me again, then I'll leave you in peace."_

_She holds her breath when he finally meets her eyes. He sighs and says, "I don't want to love you anymore, Kate. I just don't want to."_

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"You don't love me anymore," Kate sobbed. She readied herself to leave. She had to get out of here. She couldn't stay in the same room with her failure.

"I didn't say that, Kate. I said I don't want to anymore, but I still do," he sighed, running his hand through his messy hair. "I don't know if I can forgive you this time. And even if I could, I don't know that I want to. You talked a lot just now about what you went through, but you said not a word about what you put me through. It's one of the problems we have, Kate. No matter what situation we find ourselves in when it comes to our feelings, it is always about you, when it should be about _us._

"I know that you went through hell. You were shot, Kate. You almost died. I watched the lights go off that day, and I thought I'd never get a chance to tell you that I love you more than life itself. If that weren't enough, you actually flat-lined twice in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You have no idea how scary it is to watch the woman you love die before your eyes not once but three times and not be able to do a damn thing about it." He took another deep breath, trying to contain his own emotions. Kate just stood there in shock, never having heard his side of the events of that terrible day. She hadn't even thought about what it must have been like for him. _Is that really how selfish I am, that it didn't even register that I wasn't the only one who suffered that day? _

He continued, "Then you were fine. I came into that hospital room full of hope and joy. Not because I was hoping to start a relationship with you Kate. I knew that even if you felt the same that you wouldn't be there yet. I also knew that you were with Josh. I came into that room just happy that you were alive. God, you have no idea how much it hurt for you to turn me away after three minutes and about 20 words. But even that pales in comparison to the next three months. I didn't know if you had died, if you were getting better, if you had anyone there to look after you, or if you were all alone. I spent every single day sitting here in this office thinking about how much I missed you, and how much I wanted to help you. I was also feeling guilty. I thought at the time that you had gotten shot because of me. I opened your mom's case up again, and got you shot. It took two months of sitting here by the phone for me to finally get my act together and get out of this office, and I only did that because of Alexis. I couldn't sit here and drown myself anymore. I had to move on.

"And I was in the process of doing that when you showed up at my book signing. I was so mad at you. But like I always do, I forgave you and came back. I always forgive you Kate. It's who I am deep down, and when it comes to you I can't seem to help myself because I am so in love with you that sometimes I can't breathe because of it." He looked up at her and met her gaze. She saw the tears running down his cheeks now, saw the hurt that she had put there because of her own selfish instincts to run and hide from this sweet, courageous, generous, loving man. She knew then that no matter what happened between them that she would never truly deserve him.

"So yes, Kate," he whispered, "I do love you still, and I probably always will."

"But you can't forgive me, can you?" she sobbed.

"I don't know. The lie doesn't matter Kate. I know why you lied. I understand it because I understand you. I can forgive you for that because I know that you underwent something horrible and that you needed time to get over it and get yourself put together. I've been waiting for you, Kate. I would have kept waiting too. Even that night at your apartment, I would have kept waiting. All you would have had to say was 'I'm not ready, yet, but I'm working to get better for you, Castle,' that's it. And I would have let you off the hook again.

"But what I can't get past is that at that moment instead of saying that you wanted me to keep waiting, instead of giving me some hope that you were still there with me, you decided to lash out. Instead of telling me the truth, you continued to lie and you continued to hide. It isn't what you said, it's what you didn't say. You didn't tell me the truth, even after I had already found out about your first lie. You just kept right on lying to me and to yourself. It hurts and I'm not sure I can forgive you, no matter how much honesty you've put forward today."

Kate sighed. "I know you are in this for always, for forever. I knew that three years ago. That's what I want too. I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting. I'm sorry for not being honest with you about my feelings. It was so unfair of me, so selfish. You're right about me, you know? It is almost always about me. When my mom died, I had to think about myself because I had no one else to do it. She was gone and my dad dived into a whisky bottle. I had no one until you came along, and I fought you tooth and nail when you tried to break your way past my walls. You know I did. Even now, after realizing that I love you so damn much, I have a hard time letting you in." She wiped the tears off her cheeks and stood up straight, making her decision. Martha was right. They needed to put this to rest. She just wasn't right about where they should go.

She looked down at her hands and then back up at him. "You're right about it all, Castle. I'm going to go. I shouldn't have bothered you." She quickly walked to the office door, but paused before she walked through the door way. "I love you, Castle. I always will, no matter what. But you're right. I'm too broken to be with you, and you deserve so much better than I will ever be able to give you. Please be happy, Rick. You deserve it."

She opened the door and walked out through the loft, luckily not finding Martha or Alexis in the living room. She held her emotions in until she reached her car. Leaning against the steering wheel, she let out everything she had been holding back. Her body was shaking uncontrollably, sobs coming and going, tears streaming down the curves of her cheekbones. She had never felt so lost in her entire life. It was over. There was no hope for them anymore; no reason to fight. Castle had been right about her. She had done this to them. It was all her fault, and there was nothing she could do now.

They were done.

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She finally made it back to her apartment after sitting in her car for over an hour sobbing and crying harder than she had ever cried before. Even when her mother had died, she had never felt this hopeless. She sank down on her living room couch and cried even more, grieving her loss, and torturing herself with a flood of _what ifs_.

Hours later she was startled awake by a sharp wrap on her front door. She jerked her head up and looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after 6PM. Her stomach rumbled due to the lack of food, but she ignored it, not having any inclination to feed herself. She stumbled towards the door, threw the lock, and opened it enough to see who was on the other side.

"Castle…" she breathed. "What…."

"Hey, Kate. Can I come in?" he asked, giving her a small smile.

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**a.n. Let me know what you think of this. Yes I know I ended it on a cliffy again, but if I kept going this would be 5000 words and that's just too long for one of my chapters. Reviews please!**


	10. Chapter 10

**a.n. Here's the next chapter. Thanks to all for the kind reviews, follows, and favs. They mean the world to me and keep me motivated.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle or its characters.**

**xxxx**

Chapter 10

_Previously…_

_She finally made it back to her apartment after sitting in her car for over an hour sobbing and crying harder than she had ever cried before. Even when her mother had died, she had never felt this hopeless. She sank down on her living room couch and cried even more, grieving her loss, and torturing herself with a flood of what ifs. _

_Hours later she was startled awake by a sharp wrap on her front door. She jerked her head up and looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after 6PM. Her stomach rumbled due to the lack of food, but she ignored it, not having any inclination to feed herself. She stumbled towards the door, threw the lock, and opened it enough to see who was on the other side._

"_Castle…" she breathed. "What…."_

"_Hey, Kate. Can I come in?" he asked, giving her a small smile._

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She had honestly thought that she would never see him again. So to find him on her stoop was a complete shock and she could do nothing but step aside to let him in.

Stamping down her surprise, she asked, "What are you doing here, Rick?"

He said nothing. He gave her a look she couldn't identify and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, the boot on his leg making a lot of noise as he made his way there. He propped his injured leg up on the coffee table, giving her an apologetic look. "Sorry, but the doctor says I need to keep it elevated."

She waved him off and asked again, "Why are you here, Rick?" She walked to sit down on the other end of the couch, and turned towards him, waiting for some explanation for his sudden appearance.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. She noticed that he had showered and shaved, and he looked much more put together than he had when she had seen him earlier in the afternoon. "I'm still mad, Kate," he said finally.

She sighed, wondering what more they could possibly have to say to each other. She had said her bit, and while she was still reeling from the decision, she knew that walking away, allowing him to move on, had been the right thing to do. She wasn't good for him, and she would just break them if they tried to be together. "Then why are you here, Rick?"

He looked up at her and met her eyes. "I can't let you go. I've spent the last three months in complete misery, and this time it wasn't you that was putting the distance between us, it was me. I know, I have every right to be mad, but holding a grudge isn't me. When you walked away today I realized that I don't want to give you up, no matter how much we've hurt each other in the past. So I came here."

Hope flared in her stomach, her heart beating rapidly. She wanted to kiss him so badly, but they weren't there yet. Then she remembered why she had walked away. Why she was doing this. For him. For the first time ever she was trying to put his happiness before her own. It's what she knew she had to do. "I think you should go," she said, trying to keep her voice from betraying how much she really didn't want him to leave.

"No. I'm not leaving."

"Castle…I'm not good for you. You were right. It is always about me. I've hurt you so badly, and I'll do it again. I know I will. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You are better off without me."

"You don't get to decide that for me, Kate. Not anymore. I don't know how we'll make our way back to each other yet, but I know that I still want you in my life."

"Why? Why don't you hate me? You should hate me," she cried.

"Never. I could never hate you, Kate, not ever. I love you," he said, bringing his hand up to her cheek and wiping away a tear. "I love you."

She sniffles, and grabs the hand he has placed on her cheek, intertwining their fingers. "So what does that mean? Do you forgive me? What's next for us?"

"I don't know. For the first time in a long time, I just don't know. I know I love you, but I'm still mad. But I want to forgive you. It's just going to take me some time. I think maybe we should go back to where we were before all this. We'll be honest about our feelings, and we'll work on getting closer. I'm not capable of coming back to the precinct yet, though, so we'll start small. Movie nights, burgers and shakes from Remy's, drinks at The Old Haunt, and so on. Then we'll see where it goes."

"I'd like that, Rick. It's not where I want us to be, but I'll give you the time you need. I'll work every day to show you how much I love you. But you probably won't ever be able to come back to the precinct."

"What? Why? Did I do something?"

"No, I did. I…I haven't handled these last three months well. I pushed the boys and Lanie away, and focused on work. But I wasn't really focused. A couple days ago we got a lead on a case we were working, but it was a trap. The bad guys were there waiting for us, and we were lucky to escape with our lives. Ryan and Espo wanted to wait for backup. But I wouldn't listen so we didn't. I almost cost us all our lives. Gates suspended me pending an IA investigation. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired."

"Oh, Kate," he said, pulling her into his side and wrapping his arm around her. "I'm so sorry. Maybe if I hadn't pushed you away that wouldn't have happened."

"No, Rick," she replied, looking up at him, still reveling in his arms around her, "it's not your fault. It's mine. I was stupid, and I'll deal with the consequences."

"If you are… What are you going to do?"

"If they fire me? I don't know. Either way I'm going to focus my energy on fixing us, and getting us to where I want us to be. But as to anything else? I don't know. I haven't really had time to think about it. When I came home after it all happened, I just cried for a while, and then Lanie came over and reamed me out for being an idiot. Then I came to see you the next day. I guess I'll start to think about it once I know the outcome of the investigation."

"Do you really think they'll fire you? I think they'd be stupid if they tried. You're the best detective New York has ever seen."

She smiled up at him, "That's sweet, Castle, but it isn't true. Everyone is replaceable, even me."

They were quiet for a while. She sat there enjoying the comfort of having his arms wrapped around her. It should have felt weird, what with their fight still ringing in her ears, but it didn't. It felt right. She knew that they weren't there yet, and that he was still angry. She knew that she would have to continue to work hard to be the woman he deserved. But she had hope finally that if they worked hard enough they would get there together. It'd just take time.

"I should go. I'm sure Alexis is worried, I'm not supposed to go out without supervision," he said, untangling his arm from her shoulder and standing up. "Have dinner with me tomorrow? As friends?"

She looked up at him from where she sat on the couch, and though she wanted to be more than friends, she would take what she could get from him. She smiled, "Sure. Out or in?"

"I feel like cooking. Come around six."

She got up and walked him to the door. Opening it he made his way out, but turned before he made his all the way through. "We'll get there Kate. I promise."

She took his hand and said, "I know. I love you, Richard Castle. I'll wait for you as you've waited for me."

He gave her hand a squeeze and walked towards the elevator, never looking back.

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**a.n. One more chapter to go, folks! Please leave a review to let me know what you think! Kate and Rick are back together, but not like they want to be. Will they get there? Should they?**


	11. Chapter 11

**a.n. Here's the final chapter! Thanks everyone who has been following and reviewing this story. I really appreciate all of you, and I hope to see you around in the future!**

**Disclaimer: The more I learn about what's going on, the less I'm convinced that we'll ever see season 8. If I owned Castle, there would be no doubt.**

**xxxx**

Chapter 11

_Previously…_

"_Have dinner with me tomorrow? As friends?"_

_She looked up at him from where she sat on the couch, and though she wanted to be more than friends, she would take what she could get from him. She smiled, "Sure. Out or in?"_

"_I feel like cooking. Come around six."_

_She got up and walked him to the door. Opening it he made his way out, but turned before he made his all the way through. "We'll get there Kate. I promise."_

_She took his hand and said, "I know. I love you, Richard Castle. I'll wait for you as you've waited for me."_

_He gave her hand a squeeze and walked towards the elevator, never looking back._

_xxxx_

_Six Months Later…_

The last six months of Kate Beckett's life had been some of the best of her life, yet she was still waiting for what she wanted most. She and Castle had gotten so much closer over that time, spending almost every day together. They had dinner, or lunch, sometimes both. They went to the museum, baseball games, Broadway shows, and long walks in Central Park.

But they weren't a couple, and that's what she wanted more than anything. But she wasn't pushing for more. She wanted Castle to let her know when he was ready this time, and she was willing to wait for however long it took.

She had been so happy the last six months, getting to know him like she never had anyone else before, that she hadn't even cared all that much when the IA investigator had come back with their findings and recommendations. She had been suspended for 100 days and would have to undergo psychological evaluation and retraining. She knew that she deserved that punishment and accepted it gracefully.

When she finally walked back into the precinct, she felt awkward like she didn't belong. It had felt so weird at first to stay at home all day, but she had gotten so used to being out of work, able to spend as much time with Castle as she could, that coming back into work felt wrong. Over the next month that feeling never went away. Part of it was that Castle had decided not to come back to the precinct with her. During his recuperation he had finished the last Nikki Heat novel, and had decided to start a new character. He had talked over the decision with her.

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"_Hey Kate?" Castle said one day while they were chilling on the couch in his loft._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I have a question for you. I'm working on the next Nikki book now, and I'm thinking of making it the last of the series."_

"_You're getting rid of Nikki?" she asked, a shocked expression gracing her beautiful face._

"_I'm not going to kill her off, I'm just going to have her move on, get promoted, maybe get married. It's not that I couldn't go on after she gets hitched to Rook, I just would like to start something new."_

_Kate was worried. Nikki and Rook were his representations of _them_. If he was no longer going to write Nikki what did that mean for their relationship? In a small voice she asked, "What does that mean for us?"_

"_Personally? Nothing will change. We'll keep moving forward. Professionally it means that I probably won't come back to the precinct when you go back. I was there for almost five years, and they were some of the best times of my life, and I'll never regret them because they led me to you. But I'm over 40 years old now. I'm too old to play cop, and I think it's time to stop putting off the things I've been avoiding both personally and professionally."_

"_I'll be sad to see it go, but you should do what feels right." She would miss her partner, she knew that much. But as long as he was still in her life, and she was still in his, she could deal with anything._

_He smiled at her then, happy with her approval. "You, Kate Beckett are extraordinary. And you will always be my muse and inspiration."_

xxxx

After a month of simply trying to regain her feet at the 12th precinct without Castle by her side, Kate Beckett made a decision. She tendered her resignation. Her mom's case was solved, and while she had always enjoyed getting justice for other people, she didn't feel as connected to the job as she once did. Not without _him _by her side. So five months after their fight, she walked out of the 12th precinct for the last time.

xxxx

Kate thought about her decision, about Rick and his decision to end Nikki Heat, and about the last six months as she made her way to Rick's loft for dinner. When she had told him about her decision to quit her job a month ago, he had been initially shocked, but he had been supportive as he had always been. She hadn't decided what she was going to do yet, but she knew that no matter what she did, he would always be there by her side.

When she knocked on the door of the loft that Saturday evening, she felt her pulse quicken as it always did right before she saw him. He had been gone on a book tour for the last two weeks, and she had missed him so much. They were closer than ever, and those two weeks without seeing him had felt like torture.

When he answered the door he gave her a bright smile and said, "Kate! You're early! Come in."

She walked into the entryway and wrapped her arms around him. "God, I missed you," she confessed.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. "I missed you too." They stayed like that for a few moments before he pulled back. "Now, let's say we get some dinner, I have something I need to talk to you about."

Taking off her jacket, she asked, "Did you decided what you're new story is going to be about?"

"Yeah, but that's not it. Come on, dinner's ready."

She followed him into the kitchen, but stopped when she saw the table. It was covered with a red table cloth, and rose petals were strewn all over its surface. Two large candles were lit in the center. "Rick? What is this?"

He turned back to her and saw the confused look on her face. "I need to talk to you first, but you'll understand the ambiance by the time we're through. Just trust me."

The butterflies were going full force in her stomach because it looked to her that he was maybe, just maybe, finally going to start something more with her. This was the moment she had waited for. This was their moment. She took one of the seats at the table and waited for him to plate and serve their meal. He had cooked his world-famous lasagna with garlic bread. It was fantastic.

While they ate they talked about his book signing tour. He complained about the crappy WiFi at the hotels which had kept them from video chatting most nights.

"So what about you," he asked as they were finishing their meal. "Have you had any more thoughts on what the future has in store for you?"

"Personally I know what I want," she said giving him a heated look. "Professionally, I'm leaning towards going back to school. I don't think being a lawyer is what I want, but I still want to do something to help people, you know? So I'm looking at a majors and then I'll look for a good school here in New York."

He smiled at her. "Not to sound condescending or anything, but I'm proud of you Kate."

She smiled back, blushing. Finished with their meal, they cleaned up and sat back down at the table. "So what did you want to talk to me about, Rick?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk about our future. Six months ago I said I needed time. I needed you to prove to me that you're in this as much as I am, and you've done that. If anything I love you more now than I ever have, and that's saying quite a lot," he paused taking a drink of his wine. "I would say that we should start dating, but we've kinda been doing that for the last six months. We've been doing all the things couples do when they're dating."

"Yeah, I guess we have been dating for a while haven't we? I didn't really think about it that way."

He looked over at her and said, "Yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're kind of past the whole dating/get to know you phase of the relationship."

"So what are you saying, Rick?"

"I have something to ask you. It's a small question with big implications. And I'm probably crazy for doing it this way, and you might freak out and run, which I hope you won't but…God this is hard."

She was getting a little nervous now, wondering where this conversation was going. "I won't run, Rick I promise."

He ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. He walked over to where she sat across from him and got down on one knee. She gasped. "Rick?"

"Kate, just listen for a minute, okay?" She nodded, her hands shaking and tears forming in her eyes. "Katherine Beckett, I love you so damn much. The night we met I knew there was something different about you. I knew right then that you were someone that I had to know. I wanted your story, and at first that was all I really wanted. But it didn't take me long to realize that I wanted to be a part of your story. I fell in love with you before our third case together was closed, and I will never regret the journey we've taken to get to this moment. Through the heartbreak, the betrayals, the gut wrenching terror, and the freezers," he smiled, "we've stuck together. We've overcome so much, and that tells me that there is nothing we can't do if we do it together.

"There are three things in my life that I'm sure of. The first is that I love my family, and they love me back. Alexis is and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me. Second, I know that I'm a good writer. That may sound like ego talking, but I know that it's true, and I thank God every day for giving me the talent that I have. The third is that I love you, Kate Beckett, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to wait another minute. I'm done waiting. So, with all that said, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"

The tears were steadily flowing down her cheeks now. She hadn't expected this at all. She knew that she wanted this eventually. She wanted to spend the rest of her life loving and being with this man. But did she want that now? Shouldn't they wait for a while? Actually be together first, try to make it work as an actual couple before they jumped into a marriage?

The doubts were starting to soak into her, and she worried that no matter what her answer was they would be making a huge mistake. The look in his eyes was so hopeful that she didn't know if she could say what she needed to say without breaking them again, without breaking him. It was then that she remembered the words from Mike Royce.

_And now for the hard part, kid. It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me, putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder if only._

She didn't want to fight it anymore. She knew that they would be great together, and that an engagement didn't mean an immediate marriage. She knew that he was right, that no matter what happened they would be able to get through it because they would be together. She also knew that no man would ever be able to make her as happy as he could. She hoped that she could make him as happy as he made her. She wasn't going to make this another time where she would have to worry about _if only_.

"Yes, Richard Castle. Yes. I will marry you," she said through barely contained sobs. He smiled widely then, a look of pure joy on his face. He pulled a ring out of his pocket and slid it on to her left ring finger then pulled her in for a searing kiss.

When they finally broke part she clung to his shoulders and leaned her forehead against his. "We're getting married," she whispered.

"Yeah. Are you really okay with this, Kate? I don't want you to think we have to do this in order to get together."

"At first I was worried, but I'm sure about you, Rick. I know that we're going to be great together. And I don't want to miss this chance."

He nodded and kissed her again. She sighed and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him closer. She had wanted this for so long, and now she had it. Now she had someone who would dive into it with her. They could do anything they wanted as long as they did it together. They were getting married. They were done waiting.

xxxx

**a.n. That's it folks. I hope you enjoyed this journey. Please leave a final review to let me know what you thought of my ending. **

**Until tomorrow,**

**Matt**


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